Looking Yonder, Staying Here

Learn from the past, be grateful for the present and live for the future.

Right. I don't know about you...but that's been a HUGE challenge for me. Thankfully, I have had a wee bit of extra time on my hands- no school, no job, the kids happy to play without me (say what?!? may just be a miracle in and of itself!) So I spent some quality time pondering this whole life process thing. I mean, for real, exactly how am I supposed to incorporate the above way of living into my already crazy busy life? Well, if anything is ever going to work for me, it has to be simple. This is what I have come up with.

1. Remember that happy (sad, angry etc.) moment oh-so-long ago? I have decided that I am going to ENJOY that memory! No, for real! I am going to enjoy it, not run from it. I hope that by relishing the memory, I will be able to retain the lesson being taught without getting stuck. Living in that memory blinds the senses to this moment, this moment right now, and erases any possibility of the future.

2. I am making the committment to myself to take time and enjoy the moment when something takes my breath away. For example, the view outside of my window this morning. I am so very grateful to be here, right now. Of course, this morning it's easy, I mean who wouldn't be grateful to be here, right?! The tricky part is to remember that it is also possible to be grateful for something as annoying as a traffic jam. I mean when was the last time I had a few moments of quiet, without kids yelling and fighting and could listen to my choice of music on the car stereo?    
             
3. When I look to the future and make a goal I like to use a couple of tricks...
         1. I make a goal that is stated as if it is in the present. For example, when I think about practicing as a nurse. Instead of saying, "I want to be a good nurse." I focus on what it means to be a "good" nurse. What will I feel in those moments when I deliver quality nursing?  What I will see? What words will I use? The focus for me then becomes the qualities of what I think a "good" nurse is. Simply stating that I want it, makes the focus of the goal all about "wanting," not the "doing."
         2.The second trick, for me, is to make a long-term goal. Preferably one that takes some time to put into place. (For me that meant going back to school at age 41 to become a nurse.) Then, everyday, I take some time to put one foot forward and therefore closer to that goal. When my goal was to add exercise back into my single parent life, I had to start by adding 5 minutes a day, then 7 then 10. By doing a little bit every day I stayed motivated, retained my excitement about my goal of getting into shape while allowing me to still live here, in my grateful present.

So I guess the take home message I am trying to share is this; Compliment your life adventure by being a witness to your past, enjoying this moment you are in, and sending love to the future.

ResurRECTION

Hoh Boy! First time in a looooong I have been inspired to write.

So ya, a lot of SHIT has happened since I last logged in one whole year ago. For example: Boy stole my heart. Kept my heart. Refused to give back my heart. So of course, I stole back (my own heart, need I remind you) in the heat of the night. Then I gave said heart back in the morning. Found dignity. Took heart, soul and existence mother fucking back. It's all mine now.

Oh. Of course, other things happened too. My family has continued to support me to the extreme, the monkeys I like to call my children are still growing and pushing all boundaries, nursing school is ever present, there is a wonderful new "old" man, and of course, my ex husband is still an abusive asshole.

But then there was my California vacation.

I forgot how to breathe until I realized I hadn't done so in at least as many years as the monkeys have been attached to my back. Hiking 10,000 ft. high in the Sierra Mountains will make a person realize how vitally important breath is. It can also make a person realize the value of each inhale and exhale.

There is a daily life in which we must exist. You know, the one where all the stupid, mundane, committee meeting-menu planning-activity scheduling-homework suffering-bull shit happens. Then there are those moments when Life (God, Allah, She, He, The Uni-Verse, Jesus, The Name You Use) takes you out of yourself and you find the real meaning-the real place you are supposed to exist. Yeaaaaa.....

Then there was California.

Returning to my reality has been akin to facing a Polar Swim in The Atlantic in January.  Blech. Funny thing though, reality doesn't really give a shit about my feelings and while I have been trying to again see the sparkle in the truly magical reality in which I live, it has been...mmmmm...let's say... challenging. Challenging that is, until today.

Two things happened today to help me FINALLY find the capacity to inhale and accept my current reality, then exhale and be at peace. The first event was discovering Charles Bradley. Find him. Like him. Buy his album. Watch his story; Charles Bradley, Soul of America. Holy smokes, do I really need to say more?!?

The second thing that happened today was to watch old school (and by old I mean 2004, so not really really old school) Dance-Offs. Watch:  http://youtu.be/M2bXnLvTFy8 and just try to tell me that making the human body move like that isn't inspiring!

Watching others succeed in their realities reminds me to appreciate mine. To focus on what I want, to live for my goals. My truth is that I do, in fact live a princess life and other than normal sibling squirmishes, I have nothing to bemoan.

So, at the end of my day today, I realize that my fairy tale life has had a moment of resurgence, revitalization, revivification. No doubt. Resurrection is freakin' awesome.

Things I've Learned as a Mom

The other night I actually had some kid-free time. Go figure. While I was waiting for my friend, my mind turned to...well...things I have learned as a mom.

1. I will never pee alone again. Be it animal, child or significant other, there will always be someone in the bathroom with me.

2. My daughter's clothes will always sparkle more than mine.

3. I will always have to justify "my" time. Or hide in the closet with the light off.

4. The first Monday after vacation will always be a day of celebration for me.

5. I will choose sleep over a night out. Well....no that is not true...I will choose a night out at a hotel...and sleep there.

6. I will hear myself say things that I never thought I would say. For example: "Just because there is cheese, and therefore dairy, pizza is not a healthy breakfast option."

7. I will no longer care if there is a stain on my clothes. In fact, if I make it to my destination with only one stain on my outfit, then I'm looking goooooood...if ya know what I mean.

8. I finally understand why my mom always agreed to sleep overs...that is, me sleeping over at my friend's house...'cause that meant she had a free night. Smart lady.

9. I will learn to play as a child. For example: Chasing my son around and around and around the house giggling and realizing that Nerf Wars are as fun as he said they would be.

10. I am thrilled to become a grandparent, spend time with my grandchildren and marvel in the miracle of life. And if I don't like the person my child married? Then I see it as my grandmum duty to send the grand kids home jacked on sugar and Redbull.

I love being a Mom.

Back Seat Conversations

It seems as if some of the best conversations I have with the kids always takes place in the car. For example:

Me: "I love how you think out of the box. Like Einstein."
T: "Who, Albert?"
Me: "Yes. Albert."
T: "You mean Smart Head?"
Me: "Hahahahah! Yes. Smart Head."

OR

Q: "Mom. We need to go home so that I can change my skirt."
Me: "Ummmm. Okay. Why?"
Q: "It makes me feel like I am going to throw up."
Me: "Your SKIRT is making you feel this way?"
Q: "Yeeessss Mom, my skirt."

These are the  moments that keep me smiling!

My Ode to Valentine's Day

Bear with me, I am not a poet. However, on this day of love poems, I wrote a little ditty.

 

 

Darling,

I do not like the gift in a can.

I do not want that flower

So obviously picked within the hour.

(Along with the generic chocolate.)

Haven’t you paid attention, you twit?

While we are mentioning it,

No more wine, or promise of song

No more romantic evenings gone wrong.

I am not the size of a Vicky Seek model

And I am not going to squabble

Course, if you want give me a bauble… or two.

Tiara, toe ring, wrist bangle

It must be big, platinum, sparkle
and it's okay if it dangles.

You have been so busy

And that can make me quite pissy.

But if you want me to get frisky,

Listen.

On this forced day of love

(That I truly want to shove!)

The only thing I desire…

And this part is most certainly true,

All the year through,

Babe.  Clearly! It’s only you.

Sound Advice...from my children

This semester has brought on STRESS. Hair pulling, teeth grinding, caffeine abusing stress. However! I am the solitary leader of this pack and as the solitary leader, I feel it is my responsibility to provide a positive role model and take advantage of all parenting opportunities as they arise.

Which leads me to our pre-dinner conversation the other night.

"Mom. Why are you grunting?"

"Grunting? Oh. Ha. Me?"  Pausing a moment and noting to self that I was using my outside voice...then... enlightenment showed it's bright shiny beam on me for a second and I saw an opportunity. "Yes. I am so sorry kiddos. Mommy has so much going on, and well, I feel a little stressed. Have you ever felt this way? What do you do?"

T(8yo): "Mom. I totally have. This is what you need to do. Take a breath. Stop what you are doing that is making you nutso. Walk away until you can feel calm. If you need to, you can play with Q or me, for like 10 minutes, and then go back to your homework."

Q(6yo): "Yeah! You can like go back to your center and get to a calm place and then when you aren't frustrated anymore, finish your work."

Me: "Holy smokes you guys! That is such AMAZING advice. Thank you! Wow!"
To self: "They really do listen to me."

Simultaneously, they responded, "Yea, Mom. I learned that at school."

Clearly my job is done. You can find me in my bed. Under my covers. :)

Crazy Lady

Leave it to me, Jack Ass Numero Uno, to walk into the first day of classes with nary a pen, piece of paper or a text book.  So much for spending my entire winter break trying to organize myself and this little family pod of mine! The kids can tell you at a moment's notice what the plan is for the day, the week, and quite possibly the upcoming month. But can I, their so-called "organized" Mom, find her way to class prepared? Not so much.

Thankfully, my class is in the building that I just happened to discover last semester when I had to make up an exam that I missed due to a ....ummmmm...sick child?

Once I found my class room (did I mention I was late and walked into a classroom that is anti food and drink...with a coffee in my hand?) After attempting to hide my much needed coffee under the last and very squeaky chair left-of course located in the front of the classroom, I was thrilled to discover that my Micro Biology professor is a true gem from the good old days. We're talkin' oooold school. He even said that he will call us "Toots" if we should so desire. I am pretty sure I heard some quick inhales in the classroom, and I tried to keep my giggle quiet, but lets face it, that is NOT a strong suit of mine.

Walk with me for a moment. Picture Droopy the old sad looking cartoon dog. Now picture Mr. Magoo.....okay...got it? Mix them together. Yup. That's my man. The man that I have named as Mr. Monty. Under some kind of delusion, he shared with us the many nick names he had growing up. One of which was Monty (for Monty Python) Really, Professor? Now how am I supposed to let that go?

So what have I learned from this experience? Being organized is a great concept. Being organized allows one to live in the present moment which allows for less stress, fear, and anxiety. It can, however, cause dependence on said organization and then cause lapses in forward thinking. Woops! Note to Self: Look ahead as well as in front of you.

Oh. And by the way, Mr. Monty's class is going to kick my ass.